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New Chance Granted by the Universe
Some times, unexpected, the Universe grants you a second chance. To start all over again with a lost love. Normally I would say, you or he didn’t break up the relationship for nothing. Without a reason. That reason probably didn’t change. So, no don’t do it. Move forwards and not backwards. In this case, my case, I couldn’t be happier.
Last year I ruined a potential and very good connection. Insecurity due to CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) and being HSP feeling ignored etc. etc. Harsh words, from my side, were spoken. Very harsh and although at that time when I wrote them I felt it that way. Directly after spilling them I regretted it so much. I did hurt not only him with these words but also myself terribly.
Afterwards, I hoped he would contact me. That didn’t happen. And as I always think that I bother people when I make the first step I didn’t contact him either. Not even on his birthday, I contacted him. Although it clearly was over, we hadn’t been in contact for weeks, it didn’t feel that is was certainly 100% over. No idea why no reason to think otherwise but that is how I felt.
As a good idiot, I mean INFJ :), I kept re-reading all the text messages we’d exchanged. So much text. Wonderful and loving conversations. And respectful. Until the last day. Although I had some previous anxiety outbreaks. I couldn’t believe that I had been so stupid. To let my emotions, feeling ignored, neglected etc., prevail. All old, and still not so old, pains from my youth which made me feel so unhappy. While that was not necessary at all. But it happened, was done. After my emotional outbreak, I did send him 2 voice messages to apologize. I did hurt me so much that I’d hurt him. Hurting myself “OK”, but him. I felt awful. As I expected I didn’t got a response. “Over en sluiten” as we say in Dutch.
As a real INFJ introvert, I don’t like to contact people first. I always think & feel I am bothering them. Or interrupting something important. And other things made up in my mind (The devil on my left shoulder: “Never disturb people, they don’t like that”. The devil on the right: “And certainly not if you do it”.). So normally I don’t send messages as the first person. Answering and going on after that, no problem. But I will almost never initiate it.
Luckily it was the end of the year. I send people I like always a message wishing them all the best for New Year. Most of the time the same message to all. As easy as can be.
On my cell phone, I wrote a separate message for him. Of course, I had to re-write it over and over again. Still wondering if I would send it to him. Which I did. My finger was hanging above the “send” button. And I waited for several seconds and then I hit it. No possibility to return the message. In my mind “I will not hear from him”. Well, I had done what I felt needed to be done.
I was talking (yes on the phone! An INFJ on the phone 🙂 ), with a friend and his girlfriend, both ex-colleagues from Thessalonica, when within a few minutes 4 text messages came in. But this being New Year’s Eve it didn’t surprise me. After ending the phone call I saw these 4 messages were from him. O jeez…
Immediately I started to shake. Even without reading them. Now what? Luckily a few ex-colleagues answered my message so I was distracted for a few seconds. I waited for 2 minutes and answered all in one.
And then another message from him came in. I became, in an instant, a nervous wreck. I didn’t answer the message. I was too tired and too nervous.
In the middle of the night and later I saw there were a few other messages. What am I going to do? I don’t like to play with someone feelings and I initiated the new contact.
- Can I handle this? I should have thought about this previously.
- Am I going to reply immediately, as if I am hungry for his messages? Which I was, but that was not something I wanted him to know.
- Am I going to wait and when yes how long?
- Am I going to answer at all?
And more of this was going like a madman through my mind.
Although I woke up several times that night I only answered one of the messages around 06.00 a.m. At a more reasonable time, several new messages kept coming in. And before I knew it we were engaged in a respectful, and loving, chat that lasted, with some time in between, the whole day. For me, it felt nothing happened last year. No fight, nothing. Every subject we talked about was as always. We had so much in common. And we still have so much in common. Unbelievable.
What was unbelievable too is that our feelings towards each other hadn’t changed at all. There is still a deep connection. Still very deep feelings.
I told him, which is true, that I have an appointment with a Life Coach soon. To help me overcome sliding down in feeling unworthy, not allowed to feel my feelings, do what I like etc. Caused by CEN.
I am so happy I dared to contact him. And I can only hope, and I really will do anything to help my wish come through, that 2021 will go on as the first day started.
Lieverd, ik hou van je 🙂
More Information About CEN:
9 Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect, and 3 Ways to Heal
Childhood Emotional Neglect: How It Can Impact You Now and Later
How does CEN Affect an Highly Sensitive Person?
How Childhood Neglect Affects Romantic Relationships in Adulthood
The Worldview of an INFJ 